Sing to the LORD,

My Stumbling Block (literally)

Scene I. Getting my first Ochem midterm back

I’m running late to ochem (again) so I decide to drive to campus. After class, I collect my exam from one of the TA’s and walk out the door with my test positioned two millimeters in front of my face. Since my brain is busy concentrating on looking at the test, my legs enter autopilot and steer me to the shuttle.

After getting home and taking a long nap and eating lunch, it finally hits me. My… car…! I am now three hours past the expiration of the two hour permit I paid for, so I rush back to campus via shuttle. Praise God, I didn’t get a ticket! You are so gracious to me God. 

Scene II. Getting my first Bio midterm back

I hold the test 0.1 mm from my face this time. I walk briskly through the herd of other classmates with their faces also in their tests. And then BAM I stop and go “Eee!” because someone has rudely collided with me. I take the test from my face to see the culprit — OH HI giant cement trashcan. I had no idea how much you could hurt my knees. I look up to see if anyone had noticed, and glimpse one of the herd leering at me, so I say, “Haha.. don’t you hate when that happens…:D…What did you think of the test? :D…” She says something I can’t remember and then I dash away with a trail of shame shame shame behind me.

Scene III. Getting my second Ochem midterm back

This time, I know I drove to campus. And I am determined to drive back home from campus. I collect my test again and leave from the side door of Peterson Hall, where there is an innocent patch of green lawn. I step on the green lawn while my eyes are on my paper. Then I slip and somehow slide on my knees face forward onto the lawn. My body then proceeds to roll down the innocent green lawn and further batter my knees and hands. (I even remember my brain had been processing as I slid, “Okay at least I won’t roll down because this lawn doesn’t really have a downward slope.”) I shoot up from the lawn and don’t even bother to see if anyone’s watching; I just limp off to my car. Later I find all these gravel and tree bits in my sweater pocket that the lawn had thoughtfully tucked away for me. 

I feel like these events are some of God’s many ways of gently reminding me to trust Him with my future and not idolize my grades, something I have to re-learn again and again. My heart is so apt to turn from You God, yet in Your grace and loving-kindness You continue to pursue me and point me back to You. Sometimes under ridiculous circumstances, but that just shows how well You know me. :)

“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

nor be weary when reproved by him.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and chastises every son whom he receives.’ “

(Hebrews 12:3-6 ESV)

today i am stressed.

yes.

but then sarah showed me this, and I was reminded of what really matters. the gospel is so good. 

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

‎”We don’t know if that judge loved Jesus, but I think that he saw Jesus’ love that day in us. It was a glimpse to us of the glory that God would bring forth in our marriage.”

At shift the other day…

So my current rotation is at the Mental Health Unit. Two days ago I was about to start my round of vitals when I walk past one of the nurses talking to a schizophrenic patient. 

Patient: “The monsters were telling me and I don’t want to love the monsters but they’re in my head —”

Nurse: “There’s only one evil, and his name is Satan.”

Patient: “All the monsters are saying things to me I listened to the monsters —”

Nurse: “I tell you there is only one monster, and he is the devil, but God conquered that devil through JESUS. And if you put your faith in trust in JESUS, you can pray and command these demons to come out of you!”

(I’m capitalizing “Jesus” because the nurse said His name really emphatically each time; she must be a gospel singer or something!)

The nurse continues to rebuke the girl and telling her different verses that refute the patient’s belief in these monsters. The patient, who has been going on about the monsters and laughing hysterically, starts to quiet down.

Nurse: “I have a God who is greater than everything, He commands the heavens and the earth. And I tell you now I bind those demons inside of you and I call them out, in the name of JESUS. Now you go on and read that Bible, start with John 3:16, for God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son. And you read Colossians too —”

Me: “..and Romans!”

(Yes this was my one contribution this whole time.)

They continue to talk, and the patient said she would start trying to go to church more and pray and read the Bible too.

Later as I’m doing vitals for this patient, I got to talk to her a little about the Bible as well. She flips through her new Bible to Numbers, and randomly underlines a verse. She says see? This is what the monsters are telling me. 

I told her that it’s easy to read a sentence of a whole book and misinterpret the meaning, and that you have to read the whole story in order to understand that one sentence. I asked her if she’d ever prayed to God before. She says Yes, and shows me a piece of paper on which she had written a prayer to God, asking Him to take away the monsters. Then she showed me a picture she’d drawn of the monsters.

I have no idea whether this girl’s sickness was due to demon possession or drugs or whatever else. But it was so amazing to see the power of God’s words affecting this girl. If this girl is demon possessed, I have the confidence to know that Christ has overcome sin and death, that by God’s grace the “monsters” will be commanded out of her just as Jesus commanded the legion out of the demon possessed man in the gospels (Mark 5). The word is alive and moving. And I really love working at the Mental Health Unit :D

reminder to self.

Hi self. You used to think, God uses struggles to sanctify me and prepare me for future situations that will distress me. This current struggle, then, will equip me to guard my heart better next time or give me more discernment in a similar situation.

Which is true… but this idea implies that the sole purpose for hardship and inner conflict is to guard your heart against future threat, so that you will not be distressed or broken to the same extent as last time. 

But sometimes, even though you should have learned from your last struggle, you still fall back into old thought processes and fail again and get hurt. What does it mean??

God uses hardship for other awesome purposes besides sanctifying our thought processes (although this purpose is certainly important and awesome), and certainly not just so that we can become stronger on our own. For if each hardship makes us more independent and self sufficient, why would we have need for God?

Another purpose for hardship is to reveal God’s character. Each time we struggle, He makes His glory known in showing us how helpless we are apart from Him. He makes His love and grace known when He allows us to remember the joy we can have in His gospel regardless of our situation. Suffering brings Him glory and brings us to worship.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

Indeed, I need to be renewed daily because my heart is so fickle and always strays from God. I praise You God for loving this undeserving sinner and for saying, “You are worth my Son.”

When my thoughts are filled only with midterms… (aka how God is awesome)

Today I come home thinking, “I AM GOING. TO. STUDY SO HARD!!!”

(But God had something better in mind.)

My dear friend/aptmate is home and we cook together and sit with our laptops at the table as we eat. yay.

Then I tell her about the sex trafficking awareness event we had at Harvest. Then she asks me about Harvest and about different churches.

Then I go on Facebook and there’s a link my friend Miriam sent me of the “Everything” skit some of us did at our home church.

(for a better rendition of the “Everything” skit, go here)

So then I show her the video and try to explain it.

Then I realize I can’t explain it fully without first explaining the gospel.

Then I shared gospel!

Then she asked me about my own story and I shared testimony!

I am so amazed and humbled by God’s sovereignty and provision right now.

Thank You God for allowing me this opportunity to take part in furthering Your kingdom even when my heart was set on my own goals and desires. Thank You for giving my friend an open heart to hear Your gospel. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit; I know that this conversation was entirely Spirit led and not by any means the result of my own merit. I pray that You would continue to give me opportunities to help grow my friend’s knowledge, understanding, and acceptance of the Gospel, and that she would be able to come out to Harvest and feel welcomed and loved by Your local body.

The Tragic Tale of My Basil Plant

Grandpa (in Chinese): Have you seen your plant in the backyard? It’s really big now.

Me: What plant?

Grandpa: The plant you brought home last time

Me: Oh Lindy said it died… :(

Grandpa: No it’s really big now! Go look!

I go to the backyard. Basil plant is alive!!!!

Me: But..but..! Lindy said it died!

Grandpa: Oh she said you lost her pair of scissors so she wasn’t going to take care of it for you anymore. And then she lied to you and said it died.

Me: …………… D:

I need to find those scissors.

I like living with jessica.

Jane: *sigh* I need to cut my nails..

Jessica: I need to cut sin from my life.

amen sista